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Why it’s Harder to Find Love as an Adult (& 9 Ways You Can)

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Many people wonder why their first love was the strongest or why falling in love as an adult can be so difficult. There are numerous reasons for this:

1.Falling in love is easier when you’re young because we fall in love with a person’s potential. As adults, we see people as they are. For this reason, it’s also easier for us to be impressed when we’re young (and it’s always easier to fall in love with people who impress us).

2.With bad traits and characteristics being more serious in the adult world, we’re more aware of them. This can make dating a sad game of, “Find the Red Flag.” When we’re young, we’re more inclined to notice people’s potential rather than their current problems. Therefore, often give others the benefit of the doubt and say, “Oh well, they’re still growing. This bad habit/trait will change.” But as adults, it can be dangerous to just assume the person will improve and get better (because many people won’t or don’t want to). 

3. More ‘broken’ people to sift through. As people age, they accumulate more life experiences, both good and bad. Sadly, some can develop lifelong complications as a result of their negative experiences leaving them bitter, unwilling to change bad habits, entitled, or essentially people with whom you can’t have a healthy, functional relationship with.

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How You Can Find Love:

1.First, accept that it’s going to be harder. Love in the adult world doesn’t occur as it does in college or high school. Unlike school where you can freely flirt with others, this same behavior could damage your professional reputation within a career.

And, if you do join local groups and clubs, you’ll have less in common with other members making it harder for relationships to stick. It’s not like school where you could easily bond by talking about people, teachers, etc. you both knew. 

2.Heal the things that can negatively affect your chances. Try not to procrastinate improving aspects of your life that could thwart your dating life. If you know you have issues that could potentially sabotage your love life, work on it now.

This doesn’t mean to put off dating until you’re flawless, it’s just good to start now so that if you find someone you like 6 months from now, your life will be better positioned for that relationship to thrive than if you’d never started. Everything adds up and matters. The work you do (or don’t do) now can make or break your future. Now never feels like the right time to do anything, but in reality, it’s the only time to ever do anything.  

3.Determine what you plan to regularly do forever. This could be a good way to meet people where relationships will be easier to stick to. The strongest friendships and relationships are where both people have overlapping goals and can mutually help each other. 

4.Within reason—don’t sabotage possibilities with worry and ‘checkboxes.’ Think of all the times you were pleasantly & unexpectedly surprised in life: maybe you tried a food you didn’t think you’d like that you loved, maybe you watched a movie or read a book you didn’t initially want to read or watch, but really enjoyed.

Dating is the same way. You think you can only be happy with a certain type of person, but by limiting yourself in this way, you diminish your chances of being pleasantly surprised by someone. Assumption kills opportunities to be surprised. Things grow on us. We can become addicted to a song that we didn’t initially like. A person can grow on you in the same way. With how rare love can be, you need every chance you can get. 

5.Be the person you’re looking for. Whatever would make you fall in love with someone else, cultivate that yourself (but don’t expect to find someone exactly like yourself, you might fall for someone drastically different than you). 

6.Live, learn and take chances now because maturity affects your odds. Why do kids make mistakes their parents warned them of? Because despite knowing something was bad, they didn’t really know because it wasn’t their experience. To really know something, it has to be our truth and our experience too, not someone else’s.

Therefore, you can read all the wisdom in the world, but unless it’s a wisdom you already subconsciously know through your lived experience, it won’t stick. Therefore, maturity can’t be bought or faked. We can only mature by living, learning and growing as much as possible..

The truth is, people who are more mature are going to be more realistic and practical in their wants, increasing their odds of finding love.

Furthermore, a mature person who knows their partner can’t be their Sole source of fulfillment in life will be happier with a less extravagant partner because they have a more mature understanding of life. People often want certain things because they don’t yet have the maturity to know that that thing won’t actually give them what they want. So, for years, they can follow a false-path and dating people who can’t actually give them what they’re looking for.

The sooner you can discover whatever false-paths you might be following, the sooner you can be on the right path. However, maturity and wisdom are the only way for the truth of your path to be illuminated. 

7.What would it take for someone to impress or inspire you? Go where you can meet those kinds of people. If there is no One place where you can find this type of person, then be as authentic as possible, live a social life, and you’ll increase your chances of attracting someone who relates to you or sees themselves in you. (Ex. Elon Musk said he could see himself in his first wife).

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8.Don’t chase love, but be opportunistic. Be the Best You. I really mean that. What would the Best You do? Do it, and socialize with people who live similar lifestyles. Then, be opportunistic; whenever feeling a ‘spark’ or mutual sexual tension with someone, follow it.

Don’t squander your chances. But, know what it would take for you to find the person you’re looking for. If you like thoughtful or philosophical people, you’re more likely to find them in philosophy, art, literature, etc. discussion groups than asking the cashier at McDonalds. Of course you can ask anyone and get lucky, but being aware of odds can help increase your chances and determine where to invest your time. 


9.If you’re looking for love, honor it. Are you looking to not die alone or are you looking for love? Because the two are world’s apart and will require different things. Subconsciously, many people are more driven to not die alone than to find love.

Thus, they hide who they really are; but we can only fall in love with someone we know. Someone whose afraid to die alone will hide their deepest selves in fear of being disliked rather than be their most authentic selves. The more authentic and transparent you are, the more there is to fall in love with. But if you hide these things… how can anyone ever love the real you? This is an example of a false-path many people are subconsciously following.

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