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Ask a Porn Actress: What I Would Tell My Kids

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Initially, the thought of telling one’s children about a sex work past might seem like attempting to walk through a minefield gracefully; however, a sex positive home environment would make all the difference. Realistically, my future kids (if I had them) would likely learn of my past via my blog and conversations I’d have with others. However, if they didn’t discover it this way, I imagine a three part process would otherwise ensue. Part one would occur when they’re younger, part two when they’re a kid/pre-teen, and part three when they’re a young teen.

What Would These Parts Look Like?

Part 1: Whenever the inevitable ‘birds and bees’ question came up. 

“Mama, where do babies come from?” 

My response:

“Something you might already know is that boys and girls have different bodies. When two people want to feel connected, they create an adult hug. The result of this hug is a baby. Sometimes, people do the adult hug because they love each other and other times because the hug feels nice. When you get older, we can talk about it more.”

Part 1 Thoughts: My intention would be to explain sex in terms of connection and as a type of hug because, although poorly construed in porn, the depth of this intimate connection is what gives human sex it’s spiritually intense and meaningful depth. Because porn does a shoddy job of reflecting this, I’d love for them to have this view of sex before discovering porn later in life. Finally (although they might not remember), I could also refer back to this early conversation in Parts 2 & 3 when they’re older.

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Part 2: This part would occur in the years before they start high school. Whatever books they have to read for school, I’d read them too and see if there were any sex/love/body positivity discussions we could have through them. This would prepare them for the third, most intens conversation. 

Part 2 Thoughts: Middle school might be too young to dive into the deep end. Therefore, it would be a better approach to start from their organic school material.

Part 3: This third conversation would be a loaded one; it might start with straightforward sex topics (ex. birth control, the realities of teen parenthood, etc.), then I might ask questions to understand their comprehension of sexwork. Finally, I imagine the conversation would end with me talking about my past and my perspective on sexwork.

The latter portion of the conversation might look something like this: 

“Sex positivity is important to me because I used to be a sex worker myself; I did different types of sex work.” Then, I’d tell them the truth about having a sex work career. I wouldn’t want them to feel drawn to sex work solely because I did it. Of course, this is all a fantasy hypothetical because it’s very possible they’d discover all these things sooner and in different ways. 

Part 3 Thoughts: Granted my devotion to sex positivity, it’s likely they might suspect my past before I actually told them (similar to how some parents suspect their child is gay before their child actually comes out). It’s also possible that by the time I’d be having this conversation, the world would be very different. It’s possible sex workers and porn could be talked about in their Sex Ed or Health class. 

What if it Existed?…

A book that was thrilling, refreshingly honest, and a coming of age tale exploring a modern perspective on sex (& sex work), healing, love, and family?

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